Feeling and Numbness
by capslock-nanao
Summary: The loss is the bond they share. -Angsty Shunsui, Lisa, and Nanao oneshot, when Nanao was little.


**feeling/numbness**

"She's gone."

Nanao looked up at Shunsui with frightened, confused eyes. "G-gone?"

"I'm sorry, but Yadomaru-fukutaicho's not coming back." His voice was harsher than he had meant it to be, and he winced as tears welled up in the little girl's eyes.

"Ever?"

"I'm sorry," Shunsui repeated, and he left little Nanao to cry by herself. Left her to attend to his alcohol.

-o-o-o-

Nanao had always been strong, or had tried to be. She'd been born in a not-so-nice part of the Rukongai. She'd been told that her mother had starved and her father had killed himself afterwards. Never knowing them, she couldn't exactly confirm this, but she did know that she had grown up alone in a bad district. For as long as she could remember, she had to be the one to provide for herself, and she had to be strong for herself.

When she entered Shinō Academy she tried to be strong. Perhaps her small dagger-like zanpakuto wasn't the strongest, certainly not compared to the captains (the names of which she knew by heart), but her kidō was the best out of all the students on her level.

When she placed as an unseated officer for Squad 8, she was overjoyed, and very proud to be the youngest member of the shinigami ranks. And she was strong. For once her strength had been recognized, and that made her beyond ecstatic.

Lisa Yadomaru, the fukutaicho for Squad 8, had taken an almost immediate liking to her when she first saw her at the Academy. Since Nanao's entry into her squad, Yadomaru-fukutaicho had taken it upon herself to read to Nanao the first Saturday of every month. They read all sorts of wonderful things. Nanao delighted in this, having finally found a mother figure, someone to call her own. Lisa was her best friend, her mother, her sister, her aunt and her advisor all wrapped into one. Nanao followed her around like a puppy dog, always standing in Lisa's shadow, eager to help and eager to learn.

She loved Lisa Yadomaru.

It hurt her, more than anything, to know she was gone.

-o-o-o-

It was the first Saturday of October. The leaves were just beginning to fall, and Nanao could just-almost-maybe see her breath as she absentmindedly skipped to the fukutaicho's room on automatic.

She knocked. No answer.

"Lisa?" she called.

No answer.

"Nanao-chan?"

Nanao gave a small yelp and spun around. "Taicho?"

"She's..." Shunsui gestured to the door. "Please go."

It hit Nanao like a weight. Lisa was gone. What was she thinking? Without even an apology she darted back to her room, not bothering to hide the tears streaming down her cheeks. She was so sorry. So sorry.

_Lisa, I miss you!_

-o-o-o-

Shunsui sat alone in his office, staring despondently at the paperwork his fukutaicho had once done for him. It kept stacking up. He should probably get a new fukutaicho soon, but who could possibly replace Lisa?

There was a knock at his door. He started. Didn't bother to get up and answer it.

It slowly opened anyway. Nanao - miniature Lisa, thought Shunsui miserably - entered cautiously.

"Taicho?" she whispered.

"It's almost eleven at night," Shunsui said emotionlessly. "Why are you up?"

"I couldn't sleep."

Shunsui didn't look up and didn't say anything for a minute. "Is it..."

Nanao drew a sharp breath but stayed silent.

"I know how you feel, Nanao-chan." He looked sideways, showing tired eyes and a persistent unhappy frown. "You can come rest with me."

All too happy to do so, Nanao clambered into Shunsui's lap and lay her head on his arm. Within minutes she was asleep, breathing softly on his skin. He watched her.

How come he couldn't get to sleep that quickly?

-o-o-o-

Not everyone knew why Shunsui had chosen Nanao to be his fukutaicho. Some thought it was so obvious. As a replacement for Lisa, though they didn't dare say it.

They were wrong.

Nanao had been Shunsui's choice - after a long while - because she understood what he was going through.

She was the only one who knew the pain.

She was the only one who shared his feeling.

And somehow, she brought him back to life again.

**A/N: **my favorite trio and back story. I love these guys. They're a fountain of angsty glory. Review? :3


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